Posts Tagged ‘baby’

three showers too many.

In awkward, childfree, heh, new moms on October 30, 2013 at 4:06 am

i received the following email from a reader:

I’m married for 6 years, my wife and I have been together for 10 and one of the things that brought us together was the fact that we definitely do not want children and in fact go out of our way to avoid them. Your readers, I’m sure, are of the same mind as you and I so I won’t go into the specifics of exactly what makes the little buggers so loathsome.

My younger brother and his wife are about to have their first sometime in January, I think. These two are outwardly very nice and successful people, but they are very sheltered. His wife grew up wanting for nothing, and my father (who’s divorced from my mother) spoils them rotten. They have an apartment in Manhattan they couldn’t possibly afford on their own. So the arrival of their baby was, of course, greeted as nothing short of a minor miracle between the two families.

As the curmudgeonly oldest son, I’ve dealt with the family and society’s consequences of choosing to be child-free, and my wife and I are secure in our choices and recognize the good and the bad. However, we never really expected to have someone else’s child impact us as now we’re all but ignored by our family, who are all in on this thing, so much so that the mother is having three separate baby showers in two months, in three different states. Needless to say, I’ll choose one to attend and leave as early as I can.

first of all, my condolences. really. good luck. i hope you don’t have to play (or even witness) a rousing game of ‘what’s in the diaper?

second, congratulations on finding a quality lady. let me assure you, we’re few and far between…

as a proud auntie, let me promise you that the fun is just beginning with the showers. do you live near the elated couple? just wait until the babysitting requests roll in. or the birthday party invitations. or the christmas cards or the stories of baby’s first haircut, baby’s first steps, baby’s first potty… and wait’ll they offer you a chance to hold the little miracle; heaven help you if you decline!

i know the pain of being ignored in favour of the siblings with kids. they’re more fun at holidays, on the weekends, apparently all of the time. my siblings often get together for playdates and don’t even consider inviting me (it’s a mixed blessing). but it is easy to feel a little left out of the family now and then. most of the time, though, i’m thankful for the reprieve.

good luck, my friend. if nothing else, this experience will help you enjoy your sound life choices that much more…

places babies don’t belong.

In awkward, babies in adult places, childfree, manners, new moms on October 4, 2013 at 3:08 am

  • workshops
  • pubs
  • work
  • my house
  • dinner dates
  • liquor stores
  • anywhere around where i am
  • living in condominiums
  • the gym
  • public swimming pools
  • counters
  • restaurant tabletops
  • luggage carousels
  • grocery store checkout belts
  • airplanes
  • long bus rides
  • wedding ceremonies
  • funerals
  • events where there is a speaker
  • the spa
  • class
  • lectures
  • book club
  • girls night
  • pool halls
  • casinos
  • beach resorts
  • tanning salon
  • hair salon

oh, jessica.

In babies in adult places, heh, new moms on September 15, 2012 at 5:30 am

the only thing worse than a new mother who parades her baby around looking for (expecting nothing but) praise is the new mother who parades her baby around in a 2-piece string bikini.

have you seen this? can you believe jessica simpson really brought photos of her baby in a string bikini to show on her spot on the katie couric show? well, maybe that’s the wrong question. i’m really not surprised at all. she is a ‘fashion designer’ after all. and she’s obviously so proud – just look how skinny her baby is!

jessica simpson katie couric baby bikini

ok look. i’m not usually big on all of the celebrity gossip but this one touches on a much larger issue. as soon as the subject of sexualisation of children comes up, people who love jessica will say things like, ‘it’s adorable, you creeps!’ (@chrstntlnrs). we’re not the creeps for seeing the direction this is heading in. you’re the creeps for encouraging this kind of behaviour way before it’s ever appropriate. this was a big topic because the mother is famous. but look at any kids’ clothing store. go out of your house for 5 minutes. you’ll see some pretty inappropriately outfits. i’ve seen 10 year olds wearing things that i wouldn’t even wear to a club.

maybe its time to step back and look at what’s happening to girls. maybe it’s not the best thing to make them want to strive to look like strippers. maybe we ought to be encouraging their intellectual interests from the time they’re babies, rather than their physical ones.

i apologise for this argument being so poorly written out but i’m feeling irate about this. i came across this article yesterday and it’s been on my mind ever since. i’d like to hear what you think about it all.

don’t cry.

In awkward, childfree on February 12, 2012 at 3:59 am

here’s a terrible thing to put on a baby. because, as a new parent, you really need to try to offend people any more than you possibly already are? i can just picture the awkward scenario that would ensue. i don’t want to hold the baby but, regardless, i do a courtesy hold. then it starts crying and now you’re saying that i’m the ugly one? actually babies cry all the time. that’s why i don’t want to hold them. and if you want to talk about the ugly ones in the room? well, let’s see. oh yes. i’m the one who can still pull off a bikini.

Source: via Shanna on Pinterest

off to the races.

In childfree, new moms on September 12, 2011 at 5:30 pm

here’s something cute. racing babies. for money.

ok, so the money goes into a savings account for the baby. but still. this seems like a terrible idea for oh so many reasons.

take a look at the baby racing photo gallery and then read the following points; i dare you to disagree with any of them.

1. it doesn’t need to comprise a full photo album on a newspaper’s website. one photo would suffice.

2. those babies don’t look entirely thrilled about the process.

3. the racetrack seems to be quite a distance off the floor. and i don’t see any hay bales lining the edges.

4. the parents seem to be enticing their children to race with the promise of tasty snacks. which is not a good setup for the rest of these kids’ lives.

5. this is the 13th time this has happened?!

6. look at all of the dads with their high-performance camera lenses. ready for the action shots. if any of those kids will ever get off their tushies and start making a move for the snacks.

7. ugh.

i’m not looking.

In about me, babies in adult places, childfree, new moms on September 8, 2011 at 4:07 am

parents seem to get this idea that everyone just wants to have the pleasure of gazing at their baby/child.

i was in the bathroom the other day (well, everyday, actually) and this woman was changing her baby on the change table. gak. that’s the last thing i want to see (or smell). while she was at it, there seemed to be a constant stream of people lining up to look at the baby. they soon all cleared out and there was me, washing my hands. she looked over and smiled, as if to say, ‘it’s your turn, now… behold this beautiful child.’

anyway, i gave her a mild stink eye, turned of the faucet and dried my hands – looking in the opposite direction.

this kind of thing happens all the time. parents seem to be expecting to be showered with praise for producing such fine specimens.

not me. i’m not even taking a look.

moms gone wild.

In babies in adult places, childfree, heh, new moms on August 8, 2011 at 4:59 am

we’ve all been there – we’ve got a friend who has a baby and suddenly they seem completely irrational about, well, everything. you try to talk to them about it but of course you’d never be able to understand until you have a baby of your own one day…

i have to thank my friend ian for sharing this post with me. my jaw dropped when i read it. jen but never jenn wrote, overheard: momma bear gone rabid. now i’ve seen crazy mothers before. i’ve had my share of encounters. but this is the mother of all mothers.

it almost makes me wish it had happened to me.

facebook gems. part 4.

In childfree, manners, new moms on July 18, 2011 at 10:57 am

wonders how parents refrain from picking the boogers out of their babies noses… It is driving me crazy!! Must not pick his nose…

really? this is disgusting. absolutely. it goes to show how gross parents are when they lose their sense of censorship.

psst parents: here’s a tip. no one wants to read this on facebook in the morning over a cup of coffee, or at any other time of day for that matter. also, your baby’s poo smells like everyone else’s and i’d rather you didn’t change its diaper in the middle of the living room carpet. and that cute thing it does after it eats – you know, you call it burping up – i call it puking. no less disgusting than a drunken 40 year old man puking into a garbage can on a tuesday morning.

look. i know the babies can’t help it. but you could try to have a little discretion around any bodily functions. please. i’m really not looking to go on a diet but you’re making me lose my appetite at every turn.

follow these rules. or else.

In childfree, manners, new moms on July 15, 2011 at 6:43 am

a friend of mine sent me this terrible blog post from offbeat momma – a doula’s advice: the dos and don’ts of visiting friends after they have a baby.

first of all, let me just say that any time i see or hear the word ‘doula’ i cringe. because i know where the conversation is heading. doulas are like the crazy cat ladies of the baby world. have you ever been out somewhere where there’s a baby and the doula just has to introduce herself and hold the baby and talk all about why she’s a doula?! gak. give it try sometime for a lark. (i recently just left my purchase on the store counter and left to shop at a different store because of this exact situation. unbearable.)

now to the post.

I know how exciting new babies are. I know how much people want to see and smell them when they are brand new. I also know that being a good friend to new parents means taking the utmost care with a new and very delicate situation. As a postpartum doula, I’m here to tell you how you can be a good friend while you visit new babies and their parents.

really? and that’s where things start to go sour. this assumption that you’ve got this package that’s so precious and rare and everyone is just clawing down the door to have a chance to see this stinky thing. not this puppy. i like to put off the initial meeting as long as possible. i’ll even buy and post a really nice gift in lieu of my loving presence so that i don’t step on anyone’s toes. wouldn’t you want to have someone hold your baby who really actually likes it and wants to be there?!

the writer goes on to list all of the things a good friend should/will do when visiting the baby jesus new kid: don’t invite yourself, be prompt, don’t be a dirty mess when you get there. those are all find and dandy – things i’d expect of my friends on a regular basis. but she goes on: sneak cleaning supplies into your purse and clean the bathroom on the down low. and my personal favourite:

If mom WANTS to tell you her birth story, listen. Offer to write it down for her, even.

gross! now this is another rant all together. look. i don’t sit around and tell people the gory details of my bodily functions. but mothers – even after the kids are long grown up and moved out – love to regale their dinner company with the tale of the epic miracle birth. it’s gross. and no one wants to hear it. i’ve been told that some kind of hormone kicks in that makes mothers forget the pain and the agony of birth – which is what makes bearing multiple children possible in the first place. so why, oh why would you tell people about it. yes. it’s traumatic and horrifying, terribly personal, and disgusting to top it off.

the author does redeem herself somewhat with this point:

Don’t bring young kids. They can’t be expected to be quiet and keep to themselves.

good on you, lady. now if only mothers would apply this unusual dose of realism to real life situations.

of course this post conjured up all kinds of comments from the smug mothers who feel that their friends ought to come over and scatter presents of baby toys and clothes around their feet before rushing off to clean the stove or mow the lawn for them. there is one quite endearing reader who left this comment:

Oh dear, I’m all for being polite and helpful guest and love to bring anyone food gifts, especially new parents, but this list makes it seem like we should worship and serve at the feet of our friends for having managed to reproduce. You had a baby, which was your choice, if you want I’ll bring you some gifts and coo but don’t expect me to automatically do your dishes and empty the bin. P.S. I did notice that lots of you would agree that you don’t want your friends to be maids, which is reassuring…

+18 readers agree with this comment

and 18 other readers agreed! that’s more than agreed on most of the other comments. so where are these sensible people and why don’t they have the guts to stand up to their childbearing friends?! i’m calling on you, dear readers, to say, ‘no – i think i’d rather not come and visit you and your new family this week.’ and have the guts to stay away as long as makes you happy. don’t be afraid to stick it to the new moms – because if you don’t they’ll just end up sticking it to you first.

facebook gems. part 3.

In awkward, childfree, heh, new moms on July 14, 2011 at 7:26 pm

S__ laughed for the first today on his 12 week birthday! What a proud mommy I am today!

really? there are so many things wrong with this. where do i start.

1. i’m sorry it’s been so long since i’ve posted. but i’ve had a pint (or a few) and i’m ready to go again.

2. you’re proud? because he laughed? but isn’t that natural development of babies? so really, what you’re saying is that you’re relieved that your baby is normal? or maybe you’re proud that your baby (and you as a family) won’t have to go through the struggles that others have to endure?

3. his 12 week birthday?! good grief. puleeeeese. stop it already with the birthdays and the counting of weeks and months. your baby is a few months old. or it’s a year old. or a year and a half. leave it at that. normal people aren’t going to take the time to sit around and do the calculations while you ramble on about precious milestones or cute things he did or embarrassing situations he got you into, nor do those milestones even mean anything for regular people. seriously. stop. it. now.


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