i opened up facebook to find this remarkably poorly targeted ad. ugh.
Archive for the ‘childfree’ Category
a few months ago i interviewed diane curtis (many thanks to her for her patience and good humour). if you like what she has to say, visit her website or follow @DianeECurtis on twitter for social media industry news, general geekery, random snark, a bunch of steampunk stuff, and the UFC (because life is just one big ass-whoooping contest, you may as well watch it on tv, too).
me: when did you realise you officially didn’t want to have kids?
diane: I’ve always been sort of ambivalent about children. I’ve never been one to gush over babies. I don’t find them particularly interesting or even attractive; they kind of freak me out. I’m an only child and an only grandchild on one side and youngest of 11 on the other. There weren’t a lot of children around me growing up. Honestly, most of my “playmates” were people my grandparents’ age. So, I was never really exposed to children and had a hard time relating to them in school. They seemed loud, silly, brutish, undignified. I just wanted to go home and quietly play Scrabble and drink tea with my REAL friends.
There were times in my life when I entertained the idea (before my wedding and in the first couple years of marriage) of having children, but it never felt right for me, and I struggled with it. I think my husband never took me seriously when I told him I didn’t want children. He always thought that some day that biological clock would start ticking and the baby lust would set in. There were certainly other reasons, but this was the primary cause for our divorce.
Which is really unfortunate, because the other issues were minor and we could have worked them out. But the question to have kids or not is one that is non-negotiable, and there is no meeting someone halfway. You either do or you don’t. And if you do, you commit yourselves fully to it. I couldn’t, and we loved each other enough to let each other go. That was my defining moment, I think. Sacrificing my marriage in favor of being Childfree was the point of no return. I would regard it as a betrayal if I were to turn around and have a child with someone else.
me: how has being childfree shaped your relationships (romantic or friendships)?
diane: I actively seek out friends who do not have children, do not want children, or have already “done their duty for God and Country” and their children are now grown. In some cases, I’m close friends with both the parent and the adult child.
Romantically, it has been amazingly smooth sailing. Before my marriage, I had my fair share of boyfriends but none of them were really serious. Most of the men I dated were quite relieved to know I wasn’t hot to get married and have kids. I think they regarded me as something of a unicorn in the dating world.
After my marriage ended, I dated “smart.” I had a couple casual relationships with men I had known for quite a long time (one was even a friend and co-worker of my ex’s and he actually helped bring the two of us together) and so they knew my history. They knew about the “kid issue” and also that I was firmly committed to NOT marrying again.
My boyfriend now is simply amazing. He is the love of my life, and I am his. I’m an extremely introverted, private person and I hold sacred my independence. So does he. And yet we’re constantly around each other like two peas in a pod. We’re both Creatives and work from home; we even share studio space. And yet there is no tension, for while we may share physical space, we allow each other the emotional and intellectual breathing room we both need.
We’re also amazing together – professionally and personally. We collaborate on a lot of projects (he’s a web designer and front end developer; I’m a social media and digital marketing strategist) and the chemistry is amazing. Our creative processes are very well matched.
The best part is he is as committed to living Childfree as I am. Perhaps more so, because he has actually taken the necessary medical steps to ensure he remains “not the daddy!” And, while he would love to marry me someday and likes to bring it up to gleefully watch me squirm sometimes, he respects my view on the matter and is totally fine with us just being together. Because that’s what really matters.
me: a lot of women aren’t taken seriously (‘oh, you’re young yet… you’ll change your mind’). what would you tell a younger you, or a young woman who’s currently struggling with being taken seriously on the childfree topic?
diane: Stand your ground. It is tempting to laugh or shrug off such comments because it’s easier. Conflict is hard. Standing up to other’s expectations of you is not only brave, but necessary. You owe it to yourself to be honest and loyal to your true feelings. I would tell the person – whether it’s a stranger on the street, or your fiance’s pushy aunt – that they need to keep their opinions to themselves. Don’t presume to know what is best for me. I know myself and my own mind better than you ever will. Someone needs to do an Infographic with Childfree Bingo on top, and then Responses to Childfree Bingo on the bottom. Maybe I should do that…
me: you work as a consultant; do you feel like your childfree status or views could have a detrimental impact on your ability to land new clients or contracts?
diane: Quite the opposite, actually. I work from home, so maintaining professional space is important to me. I’m sure you’ve been on that late-night conference call where there’s a screaming baby in the background. I am proud to say that will never be me! And when I’m on a call where that happens, I’m the first to speak up and insist the clueless parent move locations.
I also tend to pick clients who support Childfree Living. I don’t have clients who are conservative, religious, or child-focused. I would most likely decline those accounts, because our views would not line up. I wouldn’t be at my best and would struggle to write with their voice, promote their views, or get excited about their project/product/service.
me: what have you accomplished that you wouldn’t have been able to if you were a parent?
diane: I started college right out of high school, but withdrew half-way through my junior year. After I got married, I returned – at age 27 – to finish. I graduated magna cum laude with a degree in the History of Philosophy and was an Honors Scholar. I made the Dean’s and President’s Lists several semesters and was inducted into a handful of Honor Societies. I then went on to earn, with honors, a Master of Theological Studies in Islamic Studies from an internationally ranked university. While pursuing my graduate degree, I also took – by invitation from the professors – some PhD classes and worked as an adjunct instructor and research assistant. None of that would have been possible with children. Or it at least would have been very very difficult.
me: one of the things i’m struggling with is being at an age where my friends are all having babies. do you have many friends who are childfree? or do you have to accommodate families in your social time?
diane: Most of my close friends, who are local, are at least 13 years my senior – and I am 37. So, their child-rearing days (if they had them) are now firmly behind them. As I have always been more comfortable around older people, it is the ideal arrangement for me.
Through the magic of Facebook, I have reconnected with many old college friends and through that medium we have grown quite close. Closer than we were in college, actually. And many of them now have children. Ironically, I absolutely love seeing pictures of their kids and their posts about the ups and downs of child-rearing, the joys and triumphs, the epic fails, the heartache, the heartburn. But these aren’t your typical nightmare Facebook parents – the ones you often write about and I find absolutely hilarious! I do have a few of those on my Friend List, but I long ago banished them from my News Feed. No, these women are different. So much cooler than that. I went to the oldest women’s college in the world, and it’s the kind of place that attracts extraordinary girls and graduates extraordinary women. Many of those women have since become kickass mothers raising super-cool kids.
me: do you actively avoid places where you know there’s a good possibility of crowds of kids and families (or am i the only one)?
diane: Like a ship full of Plague-ridden rats. Next question?
me: i’m sure know the answer but i have to ask this one – any regrets?
diane: Not at all. There was a time I struggled with this decision – the time I was trying to save my marriage – but with the perspective of a few years now, I know how terribly unhappy I was then. I wasn’t just trying to shove a square peg in a round hole, I was trying to reshape myself. That’s not healthy and it never ends well. Looking back at where I was then and how far I’ve come since, I wouldn’t change a thing, not even the darkest days. With where I am now in my life, in my career and with my true partner and other self, I am finally, completely, at peace.
this guy came over yesterday to buy something we had posted online. he was young, engaged, and had a kid. we just met this guy and one of the first things he said was, ‘i have a kid. i’m not going to lie. it sucks.”
well, straight from the donkey’s mouth.
me: it’s refreshing to talk with a childfree man. have you always felt this way?
brent: Absolutely! The whole “procreation is the pinnacle of success” narrative never made sense to me. When I was a child, all of the fantasies I had about adulthood had to do with exploring, pillaging, plundering, and achievement. All of my goals were oriented around the concept of leaving a legacy that is centered around living life to the utmost, not leaving a symbolic legacy through DNA. When people ask me about my “choice” to be childfree, I correct them by stating that it was never a choice, it was just the way I was wired from the get-go. My childfree status is an endorsement stating that the awesomeness of life is not a means to a reproductive end, on the contrary, the fact that I am free to strive and make a difference in ways that I see fit is the ultimate realization of a blissful existence. The freedoms that come with adulthood are amazing, so I would do myself a disservice by diluting my ability to ebb and flow with the energy of my existence, if I were shackled with the overwhelming momentum-killing scenario of raising children.
me: you’re active in the online childfree community so you’re familiar with the kinds of challenges that childfree women face. do you feel that, in general, people take your stance less seriously or are more accepting of it because you’re a man?
brent: Childfree women have been extremely supportive and welcoming. This is partially because I have a high level of empathy for them because I see the marginalization I receive for being childfree, even though I’m male, so I cannot imagine how it must feel to be a woman who lives in a discriminatory society that bypasses her bodily autonomy and tells her that she is failing mankind by not using her insides as a fetus frat house. Experiencing a mere sliver of what women go through helps me to understand some of the judgmental nonsense they encounter, so as a childfree man, I feel better prepared to understand the concerns childfree women face, both in regard to their childfree status, and in reference to the other issues they encounter as women.
me: in your day-to-day travels have you met many women who share your views? i guess i’m getting at the dating question here…
brent: It is highly rare for me to meet childfree women on the dating scene. I have dated women in the past who didn’t want kids at the time, but “ended up” with them somewhere down the road. (Perhaps I dodged a bullet in those instances.) It would be highly challenging to date a woman with reproductive intentions. To me, when a woman has procreation as a requirement, it’s like her saying “You and I loving each other is a false representation of true love, so let’s bring more ingredients into the mix in an attempt to complete the recipe.” If I’m in love with someone, that’s all I would ever want. To me, love is best taken straight-up with no chaser.
me: what do you absolutely love doing with your free time?
brent: I love galloping like a greased centaur toward all of my goals. My favorite thing is to work on my various creative and academic endeavors. I am a writer and a humorist by trade, so I am constantly writing myself notes on my phone and ruminating on what issues I need to “release the beast” on next. In my free time, I turn those slivers of thought and intrigue into depictions of the mechanisms that drive the human existence. I also love water and outdoors. Kayaking, camping, hiking, or lying on the beach doing exactly 1/3 of absolutely nothing sounds like a winning formula to me. (Baby formula is the antithesis of the winning formula though)
me: how do you deal with having friends who are getting into their childbearing years?
brent: That’s the hardest thing about being childfree. My childhood friends all graduated from high school, had a glass of lemonade, then immediately started procreating with great fury. This threw me for a loop because we had all made plans of doing amazing things and exploring the world together. While they continued to procreate and become saddled with scenarios where they were tied to jobs, places, and situations that were less than desirable all so they could “raise a family,” I was out actually accomplishing the things we had all planned to do. I don’t immediately cast someone out of my life when a pregnancy test indicates “the blue dot where friendships go to die,” they just naturally filter themselves out of the Kingdom of Brentus by being unavailable shells of their former selves, while still expecting me to be a part of all the pageantry that comes with them being procreators. So, I don’t require people to be childfree in order to gain my friendship, but all parents need to get through a screening process. This is the only way I can protect myself from being a victim of friendship fraud again.
me: any regrets?
brent: If I have one regret, it is associating with the people I spoke of in the last question for far too long. I spent so much time and energy forming intimate bonds with people, only to have those bonds scoffed at and eliminated once those people started having kids. Childfree people are often like friendship nomads. We associate with one group, get arrogantly cut out of the picture, then, we rally the wagons to move onto another group, only to repeat the same process. The upside, is that we are childfree, so when we make social mistakes such as forming bonds with people who use us as interim space-fillers until they have kids, we have plenty of energy to engineer our own recovery. We stand on our own two feet, so when we get knocked down, we pull ourselves up and move on. Our reproductively-active friends don’t have that luxury. They voluntarily surrendered that luxury though, so they have to walk their own walk just like we have to walk ours. When we walk though, we hit the ground moving. This is partially because we are used to going against the grain and conquering uncharted waters. Most parents walk a status-quo, preplanned walk to a large degree. Our walks are much more efficient too, granted the fact that in order to take a walk, we aren’t “forced” to lug one of those popular Behemoth Industries “Two Rent Payment” models of strollers around. I’d much prefer to walk alone and enjoy the scenery, than to put myself in a situation where I became “Sisyphus with a stroller.” Do I have regrets about associating with people who didn’t have an “in it, to win it” philosophy about our friendships? Absolutely! As far as being childfree goes, the amount of children I currently have is an accurate reflection of how many regrets I have for not having them.
i came across this article on scary mommy (guess where i found it? where else. thanks again, facebook). and while i normally ignore posts like this, for whatever reason i opened it. maybe i opened it because i was hoping that there was some redeeming reason that would explain why it’s possibly ok for moms to be chronically late for every single thing they ever plan. maybe i was hoping for some reason that would make me feel ok about letting it slide now and then when my friend with a toddler blows off our plans for the 10th time in a row.
alas, that didn’t happen. all i found was a list of shitty excuses that moms like to dole out time and again.
i’d like to know – does anyone out there have success meeting up with friends who have kids? because i never have. and that’s why i don’t have any.
here’s my interview with renee marie – she’s author of a new blog, a childfree 20-something. i’m excited to see what she has to write about! check it out.
me: how old are you?
renee marie: I am 24 years old. I’m at the age where many people I used to go to school with are getting married and having babies. Thank goodness I have only been asked the “Do you have kids question” once or twice in small-talk, and I’m not at the age where it needs an explanation yet.
me: have you always known you don’t want to have kids?
rm: I think I didn’t realize I was “childfree” until the age of 21. But years before that, I knew that having kids looked like no fun, and so it never appealed to me. I never played with dolls much, and if I did, I knew it was pretend and that I would never have that life. At the age of 12, I daydreamed about living in a big city, writing for a newspaper, and writing a novel while at an outdoor cafe in Paris. I never saw the white picket fence in a small town, raising three kids while my husband went to work every day. It took a breakup with someone because the guy wanted kids for me to realize not everyone thought the way I did.
me: there’s a growing online childfree community. you participate in it at least somewhat – why? what does it mean to have peers, if not in real life?
rm: I do think that the online childfree community is so important to have. Before stumbling on childfree blogs, I thought no one else was like me. But I realized that that’s not the case. Having a community to talk about our frustrations with is so helpful and makes us feel so much better about our decision.
me: do you find you have to spend a lot of time defending yourself, or are the people around you supportive of/disinterested in your choices?
rm: I have only told a few people my feelings, and my family is not supportive so far. They’re offended I think because it’s as if I’m making their life goals seem like something I’m disregarding for myself. I have encountered two people who don’t want kids, and so they were great to talk to in an honest way without having to be defensive of my decision.
me: what do you hope to do in your life that you wouldn’t otherwise be able to if you had kids?
rm: I have always had dreams of traveling. I plan to take lots of trips to different countries in my future and explore different cultures. Actually just today at work I had a conversation with a co-worker who was telling me about someone she knew who would work several months, save up as much money as he could, and then he’d spend several months traveling in a new country. She said, “He doesn’t have kids, so he can travel.” I wanted to say, “And THAT’S why I’m not having kids!” :) I hope to have success with creative writing, so without kids I’ll have time to work on hopefully publishing my work. I remember when I was younger I imagined what it would be like to have kids and I thought, “But wait a minute…how and when would I write? I can’t have kids!” So when I was faced with the idea that having kids meant giving up what I ACTUALLY wanted to do, I knew, then and there, that having kids was not for me.
me: i’ve always found that guys/men are the people most reluctant to believe that i actually don’t want kids. what has been your experience dating?
rm: I haven’t told any guys (besides the guy who broke up with me because I didn’t want kids and my current boyfriend) that I’m childfree. I know I’ve been surprised by guys who are not in relationships and in their early 20’s who use the phrase, “When I have kids…” It seems to spill out of their mouths and I can’t help thinking, “Why have you already decided?” I haven’t met any men who are decidedly childfree. The guy I’m dating right now is “undecided,” but I have a feeling he may be hoping I’ll change my mind. I don’t know what will happen but I hope he ends up realizing that having kids is overrated. ;)
me: are you open about your views? do you worry that it will interfere with your career goals, friendships, etc.?
I don’t talk about my childfree mindset with many people. I try to not to mention it too much around my family either, because they’re hyper-sensitive to my views and it always seems to fuel a debate. Even though I don’t think it’s right to judge someone based on a lifestyle choice, it will happen and so I don’t want it to affect how people in the workplace or my friends view me. Right now I’m young enough where it’s not too difficult to deal with, but as I get older it will become more of an issue. I’m sure I will get lots of people wanting to argue or debate about my choice.
i thought she was the one. my new friend who just moved to town. she’s fun, she’s funny, she likes the same things i do, except for ONE MAJOR PROBLEM. she’s pregnant.
it’s such a big time letdown. i’d had such high hopes for us together.
time and again, just when i think i’ve learned my lesson, i go and do it again. sure, I knew she wanted kids. but it won’t be for a while, i told myself. i can get a good couple of years out of her, i lied to myself.
fool me once, shame on me. fool me twice, i need to check myself. no, from here on out i’m going to be absolutely strict with my new friend policy.
– no kids.
– no interest in ever having kids.
– not chosen a career path that focuses on working with kids (i.e. teaching)
i think I’ve got it now. finally.
stick family decals. i think it’s safe to say we’re all getting pretty sick of them. but i saw this grumpy cat one for the first time in real life and it did give me a pretty solid chuckle… so i looked it up and it turns out there’s quite an array available for people like us:
*for the record, i’m not down with chainsawing anyone… no matter how annoying their kids are.
a little rude, but yeah:
this one could only come from america:
i can’t ever say no to a monster truck. so a monster truck running down a stick family? beauty:
the graphics leave a bit to be desired in this one, and there’s never an appropriate occasion to use comic sans, but i agree with the sentiment: